Kraftwerk Remastered - Part Three

The words great and masterpiece are used so often where good would suffice that they have become almost devalued as the currency of choice for reviewers, in this case however their use pays the dues of this reviewer in full. This is the most accessible, the most commercial sounding and the most beautifully constructed of all Kraftwerk's albums.

The album, like its predecessor, is a concept. Unlike Radio-Activity however which was about the nuclear industry and science this album is about a train journey that unites Europe. This is the album to hand to your Euro sceptic friend and say ,"Look, this is what the power of a union can do." Alternatively you can hand it to them and say, "Listen, this is the sound of a band at the peak of its collective powers."

On a personal level this album, in CD version, is what the CD player was invented for. When I was younger I yearned (if that's not too an emotive description) for a way of playing albums continuously without having to get up and walk to the record player to turn the disc over. This thought wasn't relevant for most albums, simply because in the old days of vinyl albums were generally constructed to follow a well-worn (with good reason) formula. Even today it's possible to tell where the original Side One ended on vinyl whilst listening to the CD version. There are exceptions however, hence my teenage yearnings: Jeff Wayne's War Of The Worlds, The Who's Quadrophenia, Pink Floyd's Dark Side of The Moon and Kraftwerk's Trans Europe Express. There may be others but those four albums all have one thing in common, they can be repeated without their being any break in the continuity of the musical experience. In the case of TEE the journey in audio terms relates to a railway journey across Europe from Paris to Berlin. Anyway, enough of my application for Pseuds Corner, on with the review.

Just as Radio-Activity had pushed back musical boundaries with its use of the Vako Orchestron keyboard so Trans Europe Express (TEE) pushed them a little further with the introduction of the Synthorama Synthesiser, a custom made instrument which allows notes to be preprogrammed rather than have a human being stand at a keyboard playing the same notes over and over again. It is the use of this that makes it possible for the album to be played on a 'loop' for as long as you want without deviating from the listening experience.

The original vinyl album consisted of three tracks on Side One with the four track suite on Side Two. Where the CD remaster deviates from the original release is that on Side Two the original track Metal on Metal has been shortened to allow for the inclusion of the track Abzug.

Side One opens with Europe Endless a song that contains only twenty words and yet conveys more in those few words than some albums do and that's due to the sparseness and beauty of the arrangement of this track. If this album is a metaphor for a journey then this track starts the journey in style, no cries of "Are we there yet?" from the rugrats in the back. The simple melody that kicks things off, and later comes back to close the album, is Mozartian in it's simplicity and brilliance. After seventy five seconds the synthesised choir kicks in followed by the bass synthesiser and then we're off.

"Europe Endless, Europe Endless," repeated by Ralf Hutter and the computer before those wonderful opening lines, "Life is Timeless, Europe Endless." See I told you this was the perfect gift for the Euro sceptic! Hutter and Florian Schneider's work on the Synthanorma Sequenzer and Votrax voice synthesiser take this track to places electronic music hadn't visited before (no pun intended). They are dutifully backed by Karl Bartos and Wolfgang Flur who help drive this track down the line for nine and a half minutes.

It's a source of wonder to me that when those '20 Driving Classics' CD's appear each year just befoer Father's Day that Europe Endless doesn't feature, it's a darn sight better than numerous tracks by blokes in tight trousers and seriously misguided haircuts wailing (as Cassandra in Waynes World would put it). Perhaps Kraftwerk have stricter licensing morals than some artists.

The Hall of Mirrors and Showroom Dummies stand out from the other tracks on this album like a sore thumb for the simple reason that they are pop songs rather than electro-rock, Krautrock or volkpunk or whatever it is that Kraftwerk are referred to. Despite being thirty-two years old the track The Hall of Mirrors could have been written last week about the obsession of today's media with celebrity and the desire of certain celebrities to always be in the media eye however sordid the reason, Katie Price being a classic example of somebody who needs the oxygen of good or bad publicity to exist. The lines:

"Sometimes he saw his real face and sometimes a stranger in his place

Even the greatest stars find their face in the looking glass."

That couplet is an example of what lies within this brilliant study of the narcissistic nature of success and stardom, the desire for publicity and confirmation that you are who you think you are. Taking the 'looking glass' as a metaphor for tabloid journalism the line:

"Even the greatest stars fix their face in the looking glass."

Could have been written by Max Clifford or Simon Cowell as part of a treatise on how to manipulate the media to achieve your goals whilst at the same time staying "true to yourself."

Showroom Dummies was written as a tongue-in-cheek response to a comment made in a review of a gig on their 1975 tour that they looked like showroom dummies. Once again the boys show that Germans do have a sense of humour and it's purely coincidental that they begin the song with a piss-take of the Ramones famous, "One, two, three, four," introduction with their own deadpan, "Eine, Zwei, Drei, Vier." The song comes complete with the sound of breaking glass after two minutes as the 'dummies' step out and take a walk through the city. I can't help thinking that Gary Numan's move from punk to dystopian, Sci-Fi influenced, electronica was inspired by this one track.

This album has earned it's place at the top of the Kraftwerk cannon for most of the groups fans because of Side Two of the vinyl release. The tracks: Trans Europe Express, Metal on Metal, (Abzug the new inclusion) and Franz Schubert forming a suite that sees each track merge into the next without a break. Part of the credit for this suite goes to the Paul Alessandrini a French journalist who suggested to the group that there music sounded like an electronic version of the blues and was therefore suited to the concept of a journey. He encouraged them to stand near railway tracks when trains were passing to hear the similarity between the sound of metal on metal with those sounds their instruments were producing.

For anybody interested in the relationships between the band members and what was influencing the band when the ideas behind this album started to form there's an interview with Paul Alessandrini here from 1976.

Trans Europe Express, is the bands masterpiece, an aural wonderland and this track is at the heart of it. The journey from Paris, rendezvousing on the Champs Elysees, via late night Vienna, to Berlin where the band meet David Bowie and Iggy Pop. Bowie of course had been in Berlin with Brian Eno during the period working on his 'Berlin Trilogy' of albums (Low, Heroes and Lodger). Bowie was clearly influenced by Kraftwerk on those three albums, even calling the opening track on Side Two of Heroes "V-2 Schneider," an instrumental track that showcased Bowie's growing interest in a more 'industrial' sound of recording. Having dug out Bowie's limited edition album 'All Saints (Collected Instrumentals 1977-1999)' it's failry obvious that Bowie took Kraftwerk to heart during 1976-1977, the title track of his collection could have appeared on this Kraftwerk album on its follow-up: The Man Machine, without anybody noticing any difference.

In one of life's great ironies, this track was also partly responsible for the birth of dance music thanks to the sampling of this track by Afrika Bambaataa on 'Planet Rock.'

After 6:35 the title track gives way to Metal on Metal and you hardly notice the train passing over the points. This track, as the title suggests, is more industrial, almost industrial-funk, it reminds me of the sort of sounds Einsturzende Neubauten would later use with great effect during their career culminating with one of their most commercial tracks Alles wieder offen some 27 years into their career!

Anyway enough of 'E.N' back to Kraftwerk's meisterwerk. At just after two minutes and ten seconds we enter the track Abzug and a melody that sounds like it was lifted two decades or so later by House of Pain for their hit Jump Around. The track closes with the sound of a train braking, as far as I can tell it's the genuine article not a synthesised recreation.

Franz Schubert brings the melody full circle. Schubert died in 1828 so he missed the opening of the first railway line in Germany (between Nuremberg and Furth) by some seven years, nevertheless this is a fitting tribute to the father of German melody and harmonic writing. For the first three and a half minutes or so the track is a very simple melody played over and over again before it gently sweeps towards something bigger before closing and making way for the final fifty five seconds of the album which is a reprise of the opening track, this time called Endless Endless. The track slowly fades into the distance like the sound after a train journey has finished. If you have your CD set on 'repeat' however' you are just in time to make that connection for the next train.

Gute Fahrt as they say in Germany.

If you've reached this far down the review well done! I know it's a long post but this is a classic album. Here's the video for Trans-Europe Express

Surf's Up

Do you remember those times, either when you were a child or more recently as a parent, when the box was more interesting than the present that came in it? That's what it was like this afternoon at Boscombe Pier. The much criticised (by local council tax payers) artificial reef found itself on the leeward side of the pier, whilst the wind, the waves and the action were on the windward (Bournemouth) side. I couldn't help smiling it was one of those great British weather moments.

Anyway I tried my hand at photographing the surfer dudes and caught this action shot of one young lad which I have presented in suitably arty-farty format. How did I take this sequence I hear you cry (come on it's nearly pantomime season). Well I'd like to say I was dangling from a rope ladder held beneath a helicopter with my camera in one hand and a can of shark repellent in the other, truth is I was stood on the pier. You knew that anyway but it was just a lame excuse to show this, one of my all-time favourite clips of how to deal with big fish.

Courtesy of Onion News Network

Well, it made me laugh out loud! You should also read the ticker tape along the bottom of the screen.



Ultra-Realistic Modern Warfare Game Features Awaiting Orders, Repairing Trucks

The AGM

"This is Paul, he's our auditor. You've seen him before I'm sure at previous AGM's, he knows all about clubs and business in general. If you have any questions on the accounts he's your man, if there's anything you want to know about clubs in general he'll know the answers, if you want to know how we are doing compared with other clubs he can help. I'll now hand you over to the auditor for any questions."

How could I not fail to be impressed by that build-up? The Conservative Club members are so friendly compared to the bear pit that is another politically affiliated club whose AGM I attend every year. There's no in-fighting, no arguing, just general back slapping and general bonhomie. That said there's also a shortage of anybody under 50 in the club tonight and when it comes to members being co-opted onto the committee you can't see their disappearing arses for dust.

The list of members who have died since the last AGM takes longer than in previous years, bearing out what the Chairman said last year about an ageing membership both locally and nationally. The minutes silence is, as you would expect, impeccably observed. It's a sobering thought that some of those people who attended last years AGM won't be attending another.

Having worked in this town for twenty six years, yes I was 5 when I started this long road called Audit Street, I know some of these people beyond the four walls of this club. This is a small town with a small town mentality and that has its downsides as well as it's upside. There is still a strong sense of neighbourhood, of people knowing each other without loads of 'blow-ins' and of small businesses catering for the local rather than passing trade.

The questions asked are easily dealt with and forty five minutes after the meeting was convened I am leaving to the sound of applause ringing in my ears. It's not hard to like people who applaud you for imparting your knowledge to them and they are genuinely pleased.

Things get even better after that, I stop at the local chippie after leaving the club. Despite having worked here for as long as I have I've never had the need to use the local chippie but boy I wish I had. You know when something hits the right spot, that perfect combination of man, fish and appreciation by the members of the Conservative club, well tonight's the night. I have never tasted fish and chips like this before, not even in Newquay which up until now had been the top of the pops for fish and chips.

It's been a crap week but tonight has made it all seem worthwhile.

In A Bad Place

November isn't a good month for me. I love the Autumn but for some reason depression hangs in the air and every small incident gets blown out of proportion. It's been the month where some bad things have happened in the past: attempting suicide as a teenager, my heart attack six years ago, death of my brother five years ago and the week last year when I had to take time off from work due to depression.

I'm having problems at work. De-motivation I think it's called. Daft really, time of recession, increasing unemployment and I'm unhappy with the job I'm in!

My boss appears to have 'lost the plot,' even his most loyal lieutenant had to admit to as much last week. We assumed it was home related until his wife called in one day and asked if there were problems at work because he was acting strangely at home. I've got one member of staff who is having marital problems, as a result of which she is as much use at work as a chocolate teapot . I recommended another member of staff for a pay rise three months ago and she's still waiting to hear one way or another. We haven't had an external back-up of our computer server since August because he's still deciding which option to choose and guess what, two years on from when the paperless office was instigated and nothing has happened with that either!

On top of all that he's burying his head in the sand regarding one of my colleagues retirement in February 2011 and who will take over his portfolio of clients. Now February 2011 might seem a long way off now but for most businesses it's only one accounting period and one set of audited accounts, that means from a P.R point of view introducing a new face should have taken place during the summer just gone. I've said I don't want the job because of the way the office is currently structured, it would mean a doubling of my workload without any additional support.

Anyay, enough of the moaning, back to work.

What Do I Know?

Watching some of the Preston v Newcastle match on Monday night I came to the conclusion that despite thinking otherwise for the best part of forty five years I really know nothing about football.

The reason for this revelation? Marlon Harewood.

Oh Marlon. The player who scored that glorious FA Cup Semi Final goal against Middlesbrough back in 2006 and then missed from six yards against Liverpool in the final and caused the game to go to penalties and heartbreak in Cardiff. The player who scored at home to Manchester United in under ninety seconds and yet plays with all the finesse and grace of a Hippo. Just as we are told by scientists that the humble bee (and its cousin the bumble bee) defy the laws of physics to fly so Marlon defies all known logic to be a footballer. He has pace but has trouble standing on two feet to go beyond the last defender, he is big and strong but rarely wins the ball in the air, he has a powerful shot but often troubles the spectators behind the goal rather than the opposition keeper and he has the flattest feet of anybody who hasn't walked the beat as a policeman.

Marlon had a good record at West Ham, he scored close to fifty goals in a hundred and fifty appearances, the best form of his career and yet he never really looked like a footballer, and let's face it still doesn't. And yet despite my reservations good, experienced, managers form an orderly queue to sign him. He left West Ham because he didn't feel loved and went to Villa where Martin O'Neil didn't love him either and sent him to Wolves on loan and then to his current home Newcastle.

West Ham fans loved him for three years because he was a trier and whilst that will buy you some initial goodwill it will soon fade because as Martin O'Neil said last week of his other least loved player Emile Heskey, "I believe that centre forwards are there to score goals."

Since leaving Upton Park two years ago he has scored six goals in fifty matches, not a great return for a forward with his natural attributes and watching him on Monday night it was hard to believe he will score more than six in his next fifty matches. He played with the detached air of somebody who had come to fix the plumbing in the changing rooms and tried on a shirt just to 'see what it looked like.' He even managed the seemingly impossible task of crossing the ball from the right wing so badly that it actually ended up behind the left winger who was directly opposite him.

He's what fellow professionals call an 'honest pro' which in my book means he's somebody who tries but never really looks like he knows what he's doing. But then what do I know?

D-Day Approaches

The world will shortly discover whether Barrack Obama is going to send 10, 20, 30 or 40,000 more troops to Afghanistan. Whichever figure he chooses the cost to the U.S Treasury is estimated at a conservative $1 million per soldier per year to keep him fed, watered and equipped.

The size of the scale of the Allied operation in Afghanistan is already one of mind blowing numbers, it's long passed what I refer to as 'number blindness' the point where the commas and zeroes are beyond the reference points of most of us. There are currently more than 62,000 Allied Troops under NATO command operating in Afghanistan, they come from 41 countries and the numbers range from 30,000 from the U.S.A down to one from Austria. Mind you, one from Austria was enough to get World War Two started!

General Stanley McChrystal has asked for 40,000 more troops on the ground, so that will be in excess of 100,000 for a country that has a population of 31,000,000. That compares with the total U.K armed forces of 187,000 for a population of 65,000,000 so I guess the maths do work.

It's hard to see how the U.K could follow the Americans lead and commit even more soldiers, marines or whatever to a conflict that has, as I have said previously, seen public opinion sway against our involvement. The recent speech by Gordon Brown where he claimed that the war against terrorism should be seen as a success because it is negating the attacks on the U.K didn't go down to well over here. The danger with the U.K expanding its presence is that it leads to the radicalisation of more British born Muslims who, whilst they may be in a tiny minority, are aware that it only takes one suicide bomber to cause death and destruction.

Of course Barack Obama is in a lose-lose situation. If he commits fewer troops than has been requested he will be seen as letting down those who are already there, the impression will be that he doesn't believe the requests of those on the ground. If he commits a large number then there is the risk that this will result in more casualties and the feeling that the war is being lost. Up until now he has been regarded as dithering by his opponents but the truth is that he needs an exit strategy as well as means of getting the troops in there to begin with.

It is questionable whether the war, which recently passed it's eighth anniversary, can be won, but it must be because the alternative is that the country becomes a base for worldwide acts of terrorism. The rebels, insurgents, terrorists, call them what you like, have history, terrain and local knowledge on their side but with good intelligence they will over time be defeated, but that defeat will come at a heavy price and the length it takes to secure that victory might be considerable. The other argument is to leave things as they are but that increases the risk that the Taliban will enter Pakistan or other countries in the area.

Over to you Mr President.

The serious end of schooling draws ever closer.

Nathalie has three mock exams today: History, French and RE. She spent a lot of the weekend revising, Friday afternoon she had her biology mock and is the most stressed I have ever seen her. I think it has finally dawned on her that the past three years have been building towards this and that all those times when her Mum told her not to watch too much television (I'm the good cop to Janis's bad cop) were for a reason.

These exams would also happen to coincide with some bad news she received on Thursday when she went for her interview for a sixth form place. Unknown to her, or indeed anybody else it would seem, the school had cocked-up on the allocation of specific subjects to specific boxes on the online application form, so unbeknown to her she had selected two subjects which were in fact in the same area and therefore has had to drop one and choose another. Now that wouldn't have been a big deal normally but she was the only one in her immediate peer group not to be offered a place on the day and has had to reapply on the weekend when she is most stressed out.

Bournemouth College who she also applied to, you have to apply to three, didn't cock-up in quite the same way although they have sprung a surprise by asking for some examples of her photographic work before her interview in January. This is because she wants to study A Level photography which is fair enough, the downside is that her photography so far has tended to be less than serious, so she is now trying to hastily construct a portfolio. She did say she'll have to come out with me, although she does draw the line at seeing women in their underwear.

Anyway, I know you don't read this rubbish Nathalie but good luck today with the exams.

Have We Become Over Sensitive About Colour?

I was at a seminar after work the other night and was introduced to a young lady called Lorna who works for an accountancy practice in Bournemouth. Our conversation went like this:

"Hi, I'm Lorna. I work for .............."
"Really, that's a coincidence."
"That sounds ominous."
"Not really. Your landlord is one of my clients."
"Oh right."
"And I know somebody who works there, but this is really embarrassing I've forgotten his name."

There's a pause whilst I try to remember.

"Sorry. He's Asian."

She looks at me as if the word Asian has somehow translated in her brain as 'I want to throw you to the floor and make passionate love on top of a pile of tax tables'.

She shakes her head, "No. Mind you I've only been there for five years. Perhaps he left before I joined."
"Really? Well he was still there last week, wrote to me about a client."
"Oh you must mean Mohammed. He's one of the two partners."
"That's it. Yes Mo. I've known him for twenty odd years. Did some sub-contract work when he first came to this country."

Now Mo is fifty something, the colour of a malteser, speaks with an accent that clearly identifies his homeland as somewhere east of Suez. Didn't Lorna like me calling him 'Asian' when that's clearly what he is?

When I told this story to firstly Janis, then Angela and Caroline (co-workers) their instant reaction was to burst out laughing at the surrealism of the situation. Caroline had a similar experience at a party she went to, the room was full of white people with the exception of one guy who was black. Her hostess was trying to describe the black guy without actually mentioning his colour, she described his shoes, his trousers and what he was drinking before giving the final clue.

Now I know that we judge friends by their friendship not their sex or colour but in a third party situation such as those Caroline and myself found ourselves in surely honesty would save a lot of time?

When Match of The Day Has Lost Its Allure

Katy Perry may well have kissed a girl and liked it but her heart and head have been turned to the joys of London E13 thanks to current beau Russell Brand. The shaggy haired shagger from Grays is a life long Hammers fan and has converted Ms Perry to the mystical charms of the Boleyn.

Having seen the singer wearing the claret and blue basque at an awards bash in Berlin, West Ham United who are a bit short of the odd knicker or two have commissioned designer Siobhan Dillon to make a short run of 50. They won't come cheap at £300 each, but that will help pay the medical expenses for Dean Ashton for a week. The basque itself is made from three shirts which sell in the club shop for £30 each - so if you only have £90 and a Singer sewing machine handy you might like to try this one at home.

Video of The Week

Stick with it to the end because it's worth it.

http://www.youtube.com/experiencere

Next Blog>> (Part Two)

No, I haven't become addicted to this 'new' game but at 7:20 (GMT) tonight the next three blogs to mine are in English and feature: Charlton Athletic, Manchester City and Everton.

It's worth taking a moment to read that sentence again because the Addicks won't appear in the same sentence as those other two clubs for a while!

Three Strikes and Out

Now I have to say I don't believe in coincidence. It's one of those things that people cling to when there's no rational explanation but this week I've begun to wonder. Three different people, three different business backgrounds but with one common experience - the banks are letting any not money go to businesses in trouble.

When I say trouble I don't mean verging on the insolvent I mean companies who are profitable but who are struggling with cashflow problems at the moment. Well that applies in two of three cases I've mentioned above, the third person I talked to is actually a manager of a worldwide insolvency practice and she says the same.

The first client is a specialist in conference organisation, they have already organised a couple of conferences/exhibitions for 2012 and they need an overdraft facility for three months of the year. The bank have said that they can't have an overdraft, they can have a loan with a draw down facility. For the privilege of this debt conversion they will have to pay an arrangement fee, this will vary between £750 and £1200 and the interest rate they will be charged will be, well have a guess, todays BOE base rate is 0.5% and generally if you loan money to a company you charge around 2% above base. The bank in question want to charge 12%! How can that help anybody.

The second client is a builder. He's a builder who specialises in conversions and as such has experienced a growth in work over the past year rather than a downturn. This is because people who eighteen months ago might have been thinking of moving have decided to use the equity in their current properties and build upwards or outwards rather than moving on. He is experiencing cashflow problems at the present, if you think this one through there's a horrible irony why, he phoned his branch to enquire about a short term overdraft and was turned down on the phone.

Rosemary works with large companies, trying to keep them going until a buyer can be found for those who have proven track records but are struggling with problems beyond their controls, or assisting with pre-packs and buy-backs. These are terms used by insolvency practitioners to describe the most common methods of helping companies come back 'from the dead.' She told me tonight that getting money out of the banks is like banging your head against the wall.

So where is the money? It is almost exactly a year since Gordon Brown asked the EU to assist with a £12 billion fund to aid small businesses across Europe but as far as my experience goes you have more chance of Thierry Henry controlling the ball with his feet than getting your hands on the money.

Changing tack here slightly and we are approaching the end of the HMRC's year long season of goodwill. This was the Government imitative announced last Autumn to help those companies struggling with cash flow problems and therefore having trouble meeting their PAYE and/or Corporation Tax liabilities. This was one of the few recent Government Initiatives that hit the sweet spot straight away, in the first six weeks following its announcement some 20,000 businesses deferred payments totalling £350 million. Fast forward to where we are now and somewhere in the region of 150,000 businesses have taken advantage of this scheme. Now, at a time when uncertainty over the economy still dominates most conversations I have with clients ,the scheme is to close, on 31st December to be precise.

It won't disappear completely but the informal arrangements of the last year, helped by the dedicated phonelines, will be replaced by a more rigorous (whatever that means) check on the business. The reason for the closing of one door and the slight opening of another is obvious, Alistair Darling's petty cash tin is bare apart from a couple of IOU's, a paperclip and a stamp with a picture of Prince Charles and the 'people's princess' on it. Now one argument in favour of the scrapping of the old 'here it is come and get it' approach to things is that it will be better for the economy but I struggle with that one. If I was lending the money, which I am doing as a taxpayer, I quite like the idea that I will get something little and often rather than nothing at all which is likely to happen when HMRC pursues businesses that do not have the means to pay and are forced to close. Opponents of the arrangement also point out that a lot of businesses who have benefited from the scheme were always doomed to failure anyway and that the removal of this safety net means that they will simply crash and burn, it's an evolutionary thing.

One thing I can guarantee here and now is that in 2010 there will only be one group of winners from this scheme closing, Insolvency Practitioners. And they aren't exactly short of work at present are they?

Where Have All The Heroes Gone?


Watching Scotland lose so abjectly to Wales on Saturday, which lead to the inevitable sacking of George Burley, I couldn't help thinking that I was watching the swift death of a once decent footballing nation. What made it even more galling was that Sky's resident Scottish doom merchant was present, Charlie Nicholas, talk about talent squandered in the pursuit of happiness, he's the perfect example.

Anway it struck me that you only need to look at the English Premiership on any given Saturday to see where Scotland have gone wrong over the years. Yes, Sir Alex may be the most successful manager in history and David Moyes might get Everton higher than tenth this year but where are the Scottish players?

When I was growing up there was Dennis Law, Dave MacKay, Billy Bremner, Bobby Collins, Eddie Gray, Peter Lorimer, Alan Gilzean all playing in England, in Scotland there was Jim Baxter, wee Jimmy Johnstone, John Greig (the owner of the finest sideburns in history) - all that lot needed was a decent goalkeeper and they could have been world beaters.

John Greig about to shake the throat of a Celtic player

After that came Bruce Rioch, Archie Gemmill, Graeme Souness, Alan Hansen, Willie Miller, John Collins, Pat Nevin, Gordon Strachan and of course King Kenny but where are there successors?

If I was watching England play Scotland would I feel threatened by James McFadden? Kenny Miller? Steven Naismith? No I wouldn't. It's the same with the Republic of Ireland, the successors to Frank Stapleton, David O'Leary, Liam Brady and Roy Keane are a bloke from Burnley, somebody who wasn't good enough for Sunderland and Stephen Hunt who saw a move from Reading to Hull as a career step-up! As Ray Houghton put it on Saturday, when Leon Best once again trapped a ball further than I can kick it, "That's because he plays for Coventry in the Championship and he's up against William Gallas and Eric Abidal who play for Arsenal and Barcelona respectively."

How has this happened? Well the obvious answer is that Premiership clubs no longer look north or west for their future stars, they look abroad. Only Darren Fletcher and John O'Shea at Manchester United and Robbie Keane at Tottenham could claim to be in a position to play International football and regular European football in the same season. I'm sure these things go in cycles but Scotland have now missed out on three World Cups and have not qualified for a European Championships since 1996, is it coincidence that these absences coincide with the flood of television money into England?Scotland currently have two players (Fletcher and Berra) who play in the Premiership regularly plus three others who aren't regulars for either club or country.

Scotland needs to look at why it can't produce players who are considered good enough to attract interest from south of the border because whether or not they like it if a top Premiership comes calling it means that a certain level of quality has been attained. Scottish football needs a top to bottom review of its coaching standards and coaching facilities. These things take time and even then there is no guarantee that success will be forthcoming, but Scotland will never be more than a third or fourth rate international football side unless it tries to rectify the current slow and sure slide into oblivion.

Weather Coverage Reaches Saturation Point

It was interesting to watch Sky's coverage of the weather this weekend, an interest sparked off in me by the news that Hannah Thomas Peter (that's one person not a folk group) was in Christchurch. Dressed in a pink salmon coat Hannah was telling the nation about the dreadful weather down here and how we were all rushing to make sure our boats hadn't slipped their moorings but the story didn't exactly convey the whole truth.

I was at Mudeford a few hours before the Sky crew, they were in Christchurch at the time a mile or so up the road from whence I had come in fact, and the reason there was so much water everywhere wasn't all down to the storm - it was high tide. Conspicuous by their absence from any television coverage were any locals - apart from one windsurfer at Steamer Point who looked like he'd just seen Jaws chasing after him across Christchurch Bay - surely Sky weren't scared of somebody actually pointing out that this happens every November around this time? The Quomp in Christchurch isn't so named by accident it is low lying and subjected to regular flooding - the word Quomp appears to be peculiar to Hampshire (Christchurch was in Hampshire until 1974 and most people from outside the area think it still is) as there are also Quomps in Lymington and Ringwood. Come back next November Hannah, it will be flooded again.

The biggest news story in our area wasn't the weather but the lack of surfers off the recently opened £3 million costing reef at Boscombe. I asked one of the surfing 'community' why there weren't any Keanu Reeves and Patrick Swayze surfer dudes out there (what a great film Point Break is) and he said the current was too strong. Honestly, leaves on the line, wrong type of snow and now the tides too strong for surfers!

And what's all this about 'bad flooding' - show me an example of people being flooded out of their homes and subsequently waving and cheering in sheer delight and I'll eat my Sky dish. Apparently it was the worst storm of the year so far, surely that would be news in June, not November.

Still, onwards and upwards.....talking of which, chapeau, as they say in France, to these two dudes - no worries about the wrong sort of weather down in Sussex.

Next Blog>>

Okay, here's a game to play when you are bored. How many times can you click on the 'next blog' button before you hit a blog which is (a) a site for arcade games development (b) a site advertising porn or (c) a site that has something to do with music (usually heavy metal or rap).

My current, and truly impressive record, is 3.

How depressing is that!

How Easily The Patina of Success is Tarnished By The Application of Failure

Had my first no-show today. Fashion shoot arranged weeks ago. Studio paid for, thirty red, white and blue balloons blown-up and tied, flags ready, backdrop in place, lights tested and working but no model.

Made me think of that line from Friends when Ross is having problems in the trouser department much to Rachel's annoyance who, having apparently forgiven him, shouts at him, "Hey, just so you know: it's 'not' that common, it 'doesn't' "happen to every guy, " and it 'is' a big deal! ."

I am waiting for a reply from the model in question as we speak. But hey, nobody died and life goes on. I have my swine flu jab on Tuesday and given that the jab for 'regular' flu which I had last Monday has resulted in me having a second bout of flu I can't wait!

What happens when the "fairer sex" plays the "Beautiful Game?"





I know this is a week old but I've been waiting for the ESPN coverage to come online as the comments by the male summariser at the first sign of trouble are priceless. Some of the online comments about Elizabeth Lambert have also been priceless ranging from the "I love strong women, I want to marry her," to the frankly scary "she should be raped and then shot for that."

The hair pulling incident is actually potentially the most serious incident and it might make you think again the next time you see two women scrapping in Tesco's and can't resist the urge to stand there shouting, "Catfight, Catfight!"

As a postscript to the video going global (as they say), courtesy of the Early Bird team at Eurosport, Elizabeth Lambert has been banned by her college from playing football indefinitely. Rumours of her trialling for the ju-jitsu team remain unconfirmed.

Kraftwerk Remastered - Part Two

Released in October 1975 Radio-Activity is the bands fifth studio album, although for the purposes of the back catalogue re-issue it is their second album, the four albums that preceded Autobahn were only available in limited quantities outside of Germany and only really found an audience once Autobahn reached the Top Ten in Germany, the U.S.A and U.K.

Radio-Activity is one of that much maligned type of album, the concept album. German's apparently don't have a sense of humour but you wouldn't think so from the clever word play used by the band with titles such as "Ohm Sweet Ohm" which closes the album and the title itself which can be taken as referring to either the chemical process or the sound of music on the old wireless.

This is the first album by what is regarded by Kraftwerk fans as the 'classic' line-up of Ralf Hutter, Florian Schneider, Karl Bartos and Wolfgang Flur. It's also the first album in rock music to feature a wonderful electronic device called the Vako Orchestron Keyboard.

The album opens with "Geiger Counter" which must have had the boys at Kling-Klang Studios laughing their collective heads off at the thought of thousands of album buyers across the world checking to see if the needles on their record players had got stuck, the reason for the hilarity is the fact that for the first thirty seconds of the track it sound exactly like a needle stuck on vinyl. When the opening track gives way to the title track "Radioactivity" the band pull off a trick that they manage to repeat on every album without fail, the annoying melody that gets in your head and stays there. This track is one of the best the group recorded and features the Orchestron.

The Vako Orchestron was developed by former moog developer David Von Koevering and in its own quiet way it revolutionised electronic music by allowing keyboard players the opportunity to replicate the sounds of violins, flute, organ, cello, saxophone, pipe organ, hammond organ, french horn and, probably most importantly for the sound of Radio-Activity, a choir. In the years that followed the release of Radio-Activity the sound of the Orchestron would be heard on recordings by Yes, Rainbow and Foreigner as well as future releases by Kraftwerk.

Radioland begins with a swath of electronic strings before the voice of Ralf Hutter, both his 'human' voice and his 'electronic' voice speak rather than sing over the string base whilst the track pulsates with hisses, beeps, pings and sounds you'd expect to hear in a sci-fi film from the 1950's. There's a wonderful sound which is reminiscent of a ping pong ball being dropped onto a snare drum. As the track closes there is an almost nursery rhyme feel to it, a lullaby for the electronic age, this track is achingly beautiful.

Airwaves is the most radio friendly track on the album, the title of the album refers not only to the stuff of nuclear power stations but also the lack of what was perceived as non-commercial music on daytime mainstream radio during the early 1970's. Although the band still sing in German, Trans-Europe express is the first album where they sing in English, it sounds as if the band are saying, "Let the children sing."

Intermission follows, this is forty seconds of beeps, space and what sounds like the time signal from Greenwich. This is the first of three tracks which are noise rather than songs. News is a collection of voices talking over what is almost white noise for just under two minutes. It's what the phrase "Avant-Garde," was invented for. Next up is The Voice Of Energy, like the two preceding tracks this has little real 'music,' this is one minute of a synthesised voice speaking in German, even my o-level German is not good enough to understand what is being said. So that's three tracks coming in at a total of under four minutes, Kraftwerk treading dangerously close to Ramones territory!

Antenna takes the band back to the tree minute pop song. The lyrics translate as:

"I'm the Antenna
Catching vibration
You're the transmitter
Give information!
We are aiming antenna to the sky
Receiving tones no one knows"

Radio Stars poses the question, "Did Motown invent electronic music?" The question is posed because the beginning of this track features the same pulsing electronic sound as "Reflections" by Diana Ross and The Supremes. I think this track sums up what the album is really about, four musicians pushing the available technology to its ultimate limits. Like many of the tracks on the album this one could have been played on the soundtrack of the first, and still the best, Back To The Future film when Marty McFly plugs his Walkman into future father George's ears.

Uranium is the second track, after the title track, to refer to 'radio-activity' but blink (or whatever the aural equivalent is) and you will miss it as this track lasts a mere ninety seconds.

Transistor is the penultimate song on the album, like many of the tracks here it's ability to deliver pleasure to the listener is not diminished by the fact it's duration is less than two and a half minutes.

Ohm Sweet Ohm closes the album and consists of those three words being repeated for the first minute before the instruments kick in at a funereal pace. This is German rock walking down a New Orleans street as part of a procession to the graveyard. Then after two minutes the track speeds up, if you've seen the James Bond film Live and Let Die then this music would fit perfectly with the opening scene.

The band repeat the trick they achieved with Autobahn by closing with an upbeat track. I would have to say this is possibly the least accessible album for the non-Kraftwerk fan. Better to begin with the albums either side of it in their original release order or better still Computer World. For the fan of electronic music though this is pretty much as good as it gets and for many Kraftwerk fans this is the first true classic album. For any fans of Depeche Mode, The Human League (pre the girls joining) or Cabaret Voltaire this album is your year zero.

It's also the sound of my brother's bedroom in the early 1970's when he had one of the first synthesisers, courtesy of our neighbour who made them for a living. The actual keyboard area of the synth was completely overshadowed by the board above which featured a series of dials, with words such as 'frequency', 'pitch' and 'oscillate.' The ideal setting for enjoying this album is in a darkened room or in the middle of the countryside without any light pollution, with the stars, shooting stars and planets as nature's own backdrop to the 'volkmusik.'

When Did That Happen?

Nathalie is studying food technology at school and one part of the assessment involves submitting a photograph of something she has cooked at home. Her choice was a raspberry cake which was very enjoyable and she duly took a photograph and asked us for our opinions, something she had to enter on the obligatory form.

Anyway after taking the photograph I had to download it from the camera onto the computer for her to send in electronically and boy did I get a shock. There on her disk were photographs from our summer holiday in France and one in particular stood out, a family shot taken on the steps of the lodge we were staying in. It should have been me, Janis and Nathalie obviously except there to the right of Janis was my Dad!

I can't believe how I didn't notice this happening, I have morphed into my Dad and I hadn't noticed. Of course I've spoken before about how I'm not that close to my parents anymore but this was just plain scary.

I used to have this complex when I was younger about underachieving, accountancy is not in my view a proper job and never will be but it pays well and I'm indoors most of the time, and compared myself with what my Dad had done. Now I know this was a mistake in many ways, not least because in his late forties my Dad made some spectacular mistakes but up until then was fine. Now this is going to sound weird but every birthday, until I was about 35, I used to think to myself what was Dad doing at this age? So for example in 1990 when I was 30 that was the equivalent of 1967 in my Dad's life (does this sound too weird) and I'd try to measure myself against what he had done up to that point.

I think having Nathalie in 1994 changed all of that. I ceased to be only somebody's son and became somebody's father, the dynamics of my life changed. I no longer felt the need to impress somebody even though he wasn't there.

Looking at that photograph made me realise that all these years when I had been the husband and father I was slowly changing into the man I had once wanted to be and then stopped wanting to have anything to do with.

Phillip Larkin was right after all!

Virgin Rock Chick

This is Abi and this was her first time in front of a camera. Despite having some first night nerves and being totally bewildered by the lights and sets she took to modelling like the proverbial duck and I think she should get plenty of work in the future. A nice touch on Saturday was that she brought her Dad with her just to make sure everything was as it should be, he sat in a corner reading a biography of Michael Jackson.

And no Span, she didn't appear in her underwear.

"You Say You Want A Revolution"

I can't remember where I was when the Berlin Wall finally 'came down' but I guess I was probably at home on the settee watching the BBC. What I do remember about events that weekend actually occurred on the Monday morning a week after the wall began to come down when a client placed a large piece of the wall on the desk in front of me. I've mentioned this client a few times on this blog over the years in connection with the Zebrugge Ferry disaster and also the Super-Gun trial but on that Monday morning I saw a man with a brain for making a fast buck.

Using his connections at the MOD he had managed to get wind of when and where events were going to unfold and had dispatched one of his staff to Berlin over the weekend when the East German population began to make their move. A week and a bit later and I was staring at this small grey cotton bag and being invited to take a look inside. Inside was something that looked like a piece of breeze block to my untrained eye. He then told me that he planned to have the piece of wall encased in perspex and used as a paperweight, I didn't know whether to say, "Why not?" or just say, "Oh right." The wall after all was a symbol of all that is/was wrong with communism and yet it's collapse brought joy to millions, I did the polite thing when confronted in moments like this and took the coward's way out and left to look for a computer print-out.

When I visited Poland in 1997 the country was awash with U.S money (George Bush senior had visited Krakow the week before me), the shops were full of Western decadence and the red, white and black of the KFC and Pepsi Cola advertising hoardings stood out against the grey Polish sky. Despite the success of Lech Walesa and the incoming tourists, like me curious to take a peek behind the iron curtain, Polish people were still having problems leaving the country. Of course once EU membership was granted they had trouble keeping anybody in the country - although that is slowly changing.

There is still part of the wall standing in Berlin and Checkpoint Charlie has become the ultimate symbol of Western decadence - a tourist trap where you can have your photograph taken with a German student wearing a Russian, British or American soldier's uniform. The watchtowers that guarded the Iron Curtain are still there in come places along the border of the Czech Republic and on the Baltic coast of the old GDR (was there every a country with a more ironic name?).

One day, and hopefully before not too long, I will undertake my long wished for European road trip to see the old Hansiatic towns of Lubeck and Rostock, probably with the Kraftwerk collection as accompaniment, and visit some of the remnants of what became known as the Cold War.

The one person in my family who did have personal experience of the Berlin Wall is my Unlce Geoff who visited the city during the early 1960's whilst still a student. He was with a small group one evening one of whom thought it would be a good idea to throw stones across the wall at one of the watchtowers. What they didn't realise was that the wall wasn't in a straight line all the way round the city, at places there were kinks in it and whilst this helped them hit their target it also meant that the young East German guard could also hit them if he choose to. The guard, obviously not wanting to start a major international incident, fired into the bottom of the wall where the group were standing, resulting in an immediate strategic withdrawal.

The Thunder of the Guns

Like the storm that's in the making
When the rumbling thunder runs
And the hills and valleys tremble:
That's THE THUNDER OF THE GUNS.

When the aiming posts are planted
And the firing order comes,
Then the layers work their magic
With their sight and bubble runs.

Then the check is on the charges
And the range that's on the drum,
Then the muzzle flashes lightning:
That's THE THUNDER OF THE GUNS.

It's in the fury of the battle
When the understanding comes
That the gunner is forever,
A partner with the guns.

The gunner's pride is legend
And the battles he has won,
Bring Regimental Honours:
Through THE THUNDER OF HIS GUNS.

With the smoking breaches empty
And the dust and cordite gone,
There's a rumble in the distance:
That's THE THUNDER OF THE GUNS. T

The Gods of War have finished
And the Sands of Time have run,
But always there's the memory of
THE THUNDER OF THE GUNS.

And as today becomes the future
Our sons will tell their sons,
That the men whose blood they carry:
Knew THE THUNDER OF THE GUNS.

In the valley of the shadows
When his comrades are as one,
Their hearts will surely gladden
For they're the only ones
That understand the music:
In THE THUNDER OF THE GUNS.

- Gnr W.S.T. Stacy

Second World War poetry is often overlooked but in my humble opinion it is often at least the equal of its more 'celebrated' older brother.

Stop The Nannying

Having had grandparents and uncles who fought in the two World Wars and other relations who served in other conflicts during the 20th Century and beyond I do not have a problem with the Poppy Appeal, the wearing of poppies and particularly the donating of money to what is in my opinion one of the real 'worthy' causes of our times. It is hard to write this at the end of a week which has seen yet more deaths in Afghanistan and the increasing sense that we are witnessing our own Vietnam as public opinion appears to be changing on the rights and wrongs of the war but I am heartily sick of the way that the BBC acts as a moral nanny on the subject of the public display of poppies.

It's bad enough that during the last week of November we have to suffer Children in Need when the overwhelming urge to quote Paul Whitehouse in the Fast Show, "Children in need? Let 'em bloody stay in need," as the old concept of giving to charity is replaced by being made a social pariah if you don't laugh at one of the terrific wheezes that is thrust at you as you walk down the High Street.

It was during Question Time on the night Nick Griffin appeared that we got this years first sight of everybody in front of the camera wearing a poppy, the second week in October! I can remember when poppy sellers didn't even appear until the Monday before Remembrance Day, these days I'm afraid I'm all poppied out because everytime I switch on the television everybody from Gary Lineker to the Pope is wearing one, okay maybe not the Pope but Alan Hansen who is obviously the Pope's representative on earth.

Come on BBC get things in perspective, five weeks of on-air poppy wearing is too much surely.