When Did That Happen?
Nathalie is studying food technology at school and one part of the assessment involves submitting a photograph of something she has cooked at home. Her choice was a raspberry cake which was very enjoyable and she duly took a photograph and asked us for our opinions, something she had to enter on the obligatory form.
Anyway after taking the photograph I had to download it from the camera onto the computer for her to send in electronically and boy did I get a shock. There on her disk were photographs from our summer holiday in France and one in particular stood out, a family shot taken on the steps of the lodge we were staying in. It should have been me, Janis and Nathalie obviously except there to the right of Janis was my Dad!
I can't believe how I didn't notice this happening, I have morphed into my Dad and I hadn't noticed. Of course I've spoken before about how I'm not that close to my parents anymore but this was just plain scary.
I used to have this complex when I was younger about underachieving, accountancy is not in my view a proper job and never will be but it pays well and I'm indoors most of the time, and compared myself with what my Dad had done. Now I know this was a mistake in many ways, not least because in his late forties my Dad made some spectacular mistakes but up until then was fine. Now this is going to sound weird but every birthday, until I was about 35, I used to think to myself what was Dad doing at this age? So for example in 1990 when I was 30 that was the equivalent of 1967 in my Dad's life (does this sound too weird) and I'd try to measure myself against what he had done up to that point.
I think having Nathalie in 1994 changed all of that. I ceased to be only somebody's son and became somebody's father, the dynamics of my life changed. I no longer felt the need to impress somebody even though he wasn't there.
Looking at that photograph made me realise that all these years when I had been the husband and father I was slowly changing into the man I had once wanted to be and then stopped wanting to have anything to do with.
Phillip Larkin was right after all!
5 comments:
I think you can delete that first comment!
Very interesting, I'm more like my mum. The thinking what your dad would be doing at the same age is probably something all sons think of at some stage although some of what they did is impossible for us: my dad was a Bevin Boy and apparently this caused some stress or it was the reason/excuse given to him that by the time he married (1955, age 28) he was already white haired and not long after bald on top (as in "mad professor" with white hair at the sides). I've kept "my curly locks".
I'm not sure we ever really know our parents anymore than we really know ourselves.
Did your Dad's Bevin Boy experience impact on the rest of his life? (don't answer if it's too personal - of course you wouldn't anyway - doh!)
I'm not sure. he was very like me in some ways but in others completely different. He was a smart cookie and still went on to London Uni after the war and became a physicist and at one stage was one of two (then one) in the country who could actually do the job he was doing! Keen stamp collector and noted down every single penny expenditure (and I mean every single penny) so very different but a keen rugby player (best record as captain of the club - still!) so that's a similarity...as far as having an effect I really don't know, he was always so laid back and non reactionary but also a Conservative activist...the more I think about it the sadder I get because if I am really honest I hardly knew him so your first sentence strikes a cord in more ways than one...and saying that I know would reduce my mum to tears.
:-(
Thanks Span I know you don't really do 'personal' on your blog but that is very interesting.
Post a Comment