Altered States

Following the discovery, nearly three years ago now, that I had cardiomyopathy I was prescribed Beta-Blockers as one of the three tablets I have to take each morning. I had taken them once before, back in 1990 for about six months, so I was aware of some of the side effects that might be visited upon me. What I had forgotten was how intense these particular side effects would be.

Two of the possible side effects listed on most sites about Beta Blockers are depression and vivid dreams or nightmares - boy are they right!

I suffer from depression for about a week once every eight or so weeks, its such a regular thing that I did make a note of the days in my office diary once and could pretty much predict when it would happen again. Last week was such a week and I really was followed around by the black dog, I was irritable, didn't want to talk to clients or staff, found people really annoying and was generally really down. But not down as in feeling unhappy, really down unable to haul myself out of the crevasse that engulfed me from Monday to Friday. Depression can be a physical as well as a mental thing, my shoulders feel heavy and tight and I get a rash on my chest.

Having said that, when I go to gym feeling depressed I usually achieve my best results on the equipment so it's not all bad.

It got so bad that last Monday I actually swore in front of three of my staff which is not good management, okay it wasn't directed at anyone in particular but that's not the point. None of my team know about my medical problems, that information is restricted to my boss and my two co-managers. Call it a pride thing, call it being a stubborn male thing - the thing is I don't want people making excuses if I have an off day or taking liberties if they think I'm not up to it. The truth is I've never suffered from the physical effects that people with cardiomyopathy are supposed to suffer with: shortness of breath, dizziness etc and that has been frustrating all along, so apart from being a miserable git every so often nobody is any the wiser.

When I took one of my team to meet the new client I mentioned below (Britt look-a-likey) we had a half an hour journey to the clients during which I was completely mono syllabic, I physically found it difficult to communicate despite her best efforts.

The strange thing is that this depression can go as quickly as it arrives and last Friday afternoon it went just like that. Mind you, it should be back around the second week of November!

As for the dreams, I don't know what Freud would make of them but some of them are pretty weird - I won't bore you with the details as other peoples dreams can be boring and far too introspective, just to say that if dreams really are the work of your subconscious then I think I should be locked-up.