WARNING - SOME PEOPLE MAY BE OFFENDED BY THIS POST

Strange Conversations in the Workplace

Some things get said in the office (or wherever) that if they were said away from work would get you, at the least, very strange looks. I had a conversation with two of my team today (both female) that began with teeth whitening and finished with pubic hair topiary.

It all began when Billie Piper asked if she could have half days holiday the week after the bank holiday. When I said I didn't have a problem with it she asked me if I wanted to know why. I said I didn't have to know why but if she wanted to tell me she could. She then explained that there was a one-day only special offer at a beauty salon in Christchurch where she could have her teeth whitened for half the normal price of £600. I looked at her in disbelief, not at the price but at the fact that she feels her teeth need whitening.

"But they look great."
"Not really, they've got these yellow bits at the top, look."
Now to be honest to see these 'yellow bits' I'd have to get far closer than normal boss-staff relationships allow. "Well I can't see anything, honestly first it was your boobs now you teeth."
She looked horrified at the mention of her boobs. "What do you know about my boobs?"
"Only what everybody else in the office knows, you're taking tablets to make them grow."
"That bloody Caroline, she's got such a big mouth."
I then had one of those Homer Simpson "did I really say that out loud?"moments. "So how are they doing then, you know, your boobs."
"They've almost reached their optimum size," she replied with all the pride of a NASA scientist who has just seen the space shuttle return to earth in one piece. "Oh and Colin's taking the tablets now to make her boobs bigger."
There was no sense of irony in her sentence, no realisation that she was doing a "bloody Caroline."

Now Colin and I have the sort of boss-staff relationship that would be outlawed in a more PC environment, when she joined our firm she hit the ground running as far as suggestive comments were concerned and she's one of the 'old school' in that if she dishes it out she expects it in return.
"Billie tells me she's stopped taking the tablets but you've started."
"Yes."
"Why? I mean sorry if that's personal, which it obviously is, but why?"
"Because I'm fed up with having a flat chest. My twelve year old has bigger boobs than me."
I turn to Billie, "Look, without being rude you never had a flat chest, in fact everybody who comes into contact with you comments on how attractive you are, you've got beautiful hair, dress smarter than any woman I know - why did you want bigger boobs?"
"Because all my husband's family have big boobs and I feel left out."

The three of us then have a discussion about plastic surgery, body image and before long we get down to pubic hair and women who either shave it off or do something more artistic with it. At this point Colin reveals to Billie that she cut her pubic hair into the shape of a heart. I already knew this (no don't ask why). Billie asks a really bizarre question, "So which way up is the heart and what about the hair at the bottom?"
Neither Colin or myself fully understand this bit and decide not to pursue it.

The upshot of it all is that Billie, who you may remember was bullied as a child, has no relationship with her mother and who has more money than the rest of the office put together, suffers from poor self image. She's 5 foot six tall, has 34 inch long legs, dress size 12 and she wants to change her shape. On one hand I think if you aren't happy with yourself and you can change it why not, you've only got one life - on the other I see somebody most women would give anything to look like, have her money, her new car each year, her three foreign holidays and her self designed house who lacks self confidence and self belief precisely because she has all those things. I just hope that with her new found boobs and white teeth she finds a little happiness.