Apologies to Carlton Cole

I am very sorry Carlton. In the past, in fact for most of the match last night, I have likened your mobility to that of a Bus Stop.

Too often the ball bounces off you further than the distance it originally travelled in reaching you. In the first half last night you managed to miss kick the ball twice from six yards and one of your defensive headers was so bad I thought we had signed Kryten from Red Dwarf, your head was facing twelve o'clock yet the ball ended up at seven o'clock and went out for a corner.

In the second half though you redeemed yourself with a header and a shot, which came after the sweetest turn you have ever made in your West Ham career. Add to those two goals a double from Lionel Spector and it was a good night. Who cares if it was Manchester United's second team, I'm old enough to recall cup defeats against the likes of Swindon, Huddersfield and Mansfield and it's a two legged semi final so anything can happen.