What is the, footballing, point of Peter Crouch?

To take my mind off the social experiment that is happening at West Ham, I mean come on what other club would appoint a manager whose previous job was to take a club down, I have been watching our North London rivals.

The more I watch Spuds the more I get confused, they undoubtedly have some quality players but they also have Peter Crouch. I have to say that Crouchy is something of an enigma to me, he's the white Emile Heskey. People often point out his magnificent goal scoring record for England, unfortunately they often compare him with Emile Heskey when doing this, where he has scored 22 goals in 42 games, which on the face of it is impressive. A closer look at the matches he has scored in though shows that it's really smoke and mirrors, of those 22 goals only one, that goal where he pulled the defenders hair against Trinidad and Tobago four years ago, was in the finals of a competition. Eight of the remaining twenty one have been in friendlies, that leaves 13 goals. Now four of those were in the Euro 2008 qualifying games against Andorra, Macedonia, Estonia and Croatia - I think it's safe to say that with the exception of Emile Heskey anybody could have scored against that level of opposition - indeed Crouch has only been England's sole goalscorer on three occasions - two of those against minnows.

It's at club level though where he is pulling off, week in, week out, the ultimate sleight of hand trick. Over thirteen seasons, in all competitions, he has played in 426 games and scored 134 goals - that's less than a goal every three games. Since leaving Portsmouth eight years ago he has only scored more than ten goals in a league season twice. Didier Drogba, his opposite number today, has played 456 games (in England and France) and scored 212 goals - 78 more goals in 30 more games, Drogba has scored 10 goals or more in a league season six times in the last nine seasons.

It's not the lack of goals though, it's the lack of fight. He chickens out of challenges against players half his, considerable, height. He only seems fully switched on when the chance comes of a free header, he doesn't put his body on the line for his team and often the point of attack breaks down when the ball reaches him. He lacks the pace of Jermain Defoe, the skill of Robbie Keane and the aerial threat of Pavlyuchenko and yet still manages to get in the team ahead of those three on a regular basis. Roman Pavlyuchenko must be particularly pissed off as he has scored 32 times in only 76 matches for Spuds.

I'd love to know what it is that managers, and there have been nine of them in Crouch's career, see in him because I'll be buggered if I can.