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Anybody seen the headline on the front page of The Times today?

Doctor Found Guilty of Stalking Actress

Underneath the headline is a photograph of a young lady, dark hair, fashion sunglasses, whose face suggests the phrase 'done wrong but won in the end'. Who is this mystery brunette, this actress who suffered at the hands of a stalker? Julia Roberts, Nicole Kidman, Natalie Portman. Wrong, wrong and thrice wrong, it's Abi Titmuss.

Abi Titmuss the actress! Well, to paraphrase Benjamin Zephaniah "It's in the Times so it must be true". So let's look at the evidence, go to the site that is the 'bible' of T.V and Film, the one used by critics such as Mark Kermode, http://www.imdb.com/, and search for Abi Titmuss.

This is her career to date: 5 appearances on Richard and Judy, 5 appearances on The Friday Night Project, Celebrity Love Island, Death of A Celebrity, Abi Titmuss (A Modern Morality tale), Maxim Uncovered vol.4, Celebrity Love Island (Aftersun), Titmuss Out For The Lads (nice title Abs!), Hells Kitchen, Bo' Selecta!, An Audience with Al Murray, Tone & Tease With Abi Titmuss - all listed as 'herself'. Not a single appearance as an actress. Has The Times got tired of printing the words 'Page 3 Model, former nurse and former girlfriend of John Leslie' beneath her pictures and therefore have created a new career for Miss Titmuss?

Well no, it transpires that Abi did actually appear in a production of Arthur Miller's Two-Way Mirror, but the Times doesn't take this too seriously as by page 4 of today's paper she is described as 'model and television personality'. Must be the briefest of acting careers on record.

Reminds me of those students who wander around in the summer holidays clutching copies of The Siege of Corinth whilst claiming to be romantic poets.

I'm sure that in time Abi Titmuss will join the likes of Noel Edmonds and Cilla Black - television personalities whose real reason for achieving fame will be lost in the mists of time and grandparents will have to tell their children, "Ah, but back in the 20th century, you had to have a proper day job to be famous."


An actress, allegedly.