Two Years Ago Tonight
It was at just after ten to ten on Tuesday 30th November 2003 that I received the telephone call I knew would be coming but still didn't know react to when it came - my brother had died aged 42 from cancer.
I've mentioned him many times before on my blog but as he was cremated I do not have a physical memorial to him, I have the photographs and the memories of the forty years I was priviliged to have him as a brother.
Shortly after he died a friend told me that the pain would get better and it has in a way, that way being I don't start crying everytime I think of his cancer ravaged body lying on the bed the last time I saw him, just three days before he died. I dealt with it quite well today, better than last year when I had to leave the office halfway through the morning because I was so upset.
I'm not religious, I'm unsure about re-incarnation so I can't really buy into the whole "he's gone to a better place," ideal, nor can I commit myself to the "we'll meet again one day," way of thinking.
I'm grateful for the time we spent together and have nothing but good memories prior to him getting the big C.
8 comments:
Paul, I'm so sorry about your brother.
I had great difficulty dredging up the happy memories of my Mother for years. They are the only things you remember after a while though.
Next week will be twenty years since my father died so I can understand, to a certain degree, what you're experiencing.
I think Six's comment is very relevant.
Thank you Curmy, Six and Shy.
You are so right Six, the image of the last time I saw Nigel are the ones that are with me more often than the ones of us behaving like big kids at the rec. or sitting at Mudeford Quay in the sunshine sharing a pint or two.
I think what has been said by Curmy, Shy and Six say much. I do manage to have a faith but am not one to thrust it on others and there are many things I find myself questioning and do not understand.
This is about you and your special relationship with your brother so I have no intention to start talking of my own experiences...this time.
But you are talking to others who have shared similar situations so we can relate to what you are saying.
Gildy, thank you for taking the time to reply to my post - if you don't feel you should post here then please post on your blog. Part of the Blog experience is the sharing of memories, when I posted about my brother on his birthday in May it coincided with Six posting about his own experiences and the collective experience was vert helpful.
Yes I agree about the blog experience. It's very cathartic, and I've become fond of blog chums who have been so kind and thoughful about all kinds of stuff. I am very sorry about your brother.
I don't think the pain of losing someone you love ever gets better but it does change and it becomes more manageable. If it didn't then I suppose that life could not go on.
You spoke of this on my blog when my mother was ill and I was very touched then by what you said. You speak eloquently of your grief, something which no doubt helps you.
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