The Office Party

It's that time of year again, when the tabloids are filled with tips on how not to embarrass yourself at the works do or what to do if you arrive at work on Monday and find pictures of your naked self have been uploaded onto the internet.

We don't have an office party, in fact the two concessions, make that three, to Christmas are a wreath on the front door, a sign over reception that says Christmas Greetings and Christmas tree that is about the same size as Spinal Tap's Stonehenge.

Instead of a party my boss gives everybody a bonus plus two presents, the problem is (and this is going to sound ungrateful and unseasonal) they are the sort of his presents that he and his wife would like to receive and whilst they are of excellent quality they are usually the sort of thing that gets used once and then forgotten about - perhaps that's how all Christmas gifts should be!

We used to get taken to the Chewton Glen Hotel* for Christmas dinner and you could bring a partner if you wanted (preferably your own otherwise things could get embarrassing) but this was stopped about six years ago because his secretary and his wife didn't get on, and despite his secretary leaving shortly afterwards the works party has not been revived.

I can't say I'm bothered, in my younger days I went to some that were the expected bacchanalian festivals, people getting off with other people's wives and girlfriends and others that were so boring they could have been straight from a Victoria Wood sketch featuring Mrs Overall.

The 'in-thing' this year apparently is gate-crashing other firms office parties, I think you need balls of steel to pull that one off.

*The Chewton Glen is in Highcliffe near Christchurch and is one of the country's top hotels, it's one of the few in this country to have it's own helicopter landing areas where the great and the good land. Keggie Keegle landed here when he came back from Hamburg to play for Lawrie's Pensioners.