There's A Timber Shortage

By one of those quirks of geography our house is not only the last one on our side of the road but it is also the first house t be hit by the south westerlies as they make their way up the Avon Valley. As a result of these two factors we have suffered plenty of storm damage over the years, from losing part of our roof back in the Great Storm of Michael Fish, losing our garage roof about five years ago (this was witnessed by Nathalie and I must confess we thought she was making it up) and no end of damaged fence panels.

Anyway this weekend we decided we'd buy a fence panel and to be honest you'd have more chance marrying a virgin. The first place we went to wanted £75 plus £20 delivery - now considering we only live 5 miles away I think £2 a mile each way for petrol is pretty steep. So we tried our local Homebase, they had the same panel in at £32 plus £4.95 delivery - we live a mile from our local store so petrol has increased to £5 a mile. They didn't have any in stock, there were none at the warehouse and they didn't know if and when they'd be taking another delivery because there's a timber shortage at the moment. Okay, there were actually four designs we liked the look of and this is where the customer services desk at Homebase, Christchurch suddenly takes on the appearance of the Cheese Shop sketch in Monty Python.

"We'd like the Dunstable panel please."
(Taps away on keyboard and looks at screen) "Sorry, none in stock at the moment."
"Okay. What about the Dartford?"

The thought occurs to me that plain but functional fencing panels are named after plain but functional towns but I decide not to share this thought with anybody.

(more tapping and brow furrowing) "Sorry but we don't appear to have any of those either."

I love the use of the phrase 'we don't appear' - suggesting that there may indeed be hundreds of Dartford fence panels waiting in the warehouse but the stock manager is totally pissed off about Charlton losing and so he can't be arsed to update the stock control system and therefore the weekend staff have to take what the computer screen says as being correct.

"That's not much help is it."
"Sorry but there's a timber shortage at the moment."
"So you said."
"What about the willow screen?"
"Ah yes."
"Yes!" (I have to say that at this point my voice takes on the characteristics of Aled Jones pre-ball dropping, life changing, moment).
"No."
(It's like trying to buy a fence using only your wits and a script by Harold Pinter.)
"No?"
"We don't sell that one anymore."
"But you've got it on display, stock code, price, the works."
"Sorry but the rep. put it up and forgot to take it down, We won't be stocking that line again."

The idea enters my mind that we should make an offer of say 50% for the display item. I suggest this to Janis who quite rightly points out that the display panel has two big holes in it where it has been bolted to the main fencing display. We leave and head for the nearest B & Q.

At B & Q, much to the shock and amusement of a number of couples who are walking around the area where the fence panels are normally stocked, there has been an outbreak of bedding plants. Every available space, shelf, whatever is filled with trays, trolleys, pots - you name it there's not a panel to be had. Nicotania, pansy's, lobelia - you can have them by the truck load, but you want to put up a new piece of timber you're buggered.